The Struggle, the Pain, the Hope

Last December, Bryce and I started thinking about having another child. We didn't prevent from December to about April. I really thought that we might actually get pregnant. I have heard so many times that women who finally get pregnant after years of infertility, might have a better chance of getting pregnant again, because the body knows what it feels like. I was really hopeful and excited, but it never happened. Month after month went by, and nothing. Oh well, so we decided to start "trying".

Now, as I have said before, I don't like trying. I don't know if its because its already a very emotional thing to have infertility, and then to have to do temperatures, "have to" have relations every other day, take ovulation tests, stand on your head for a few minutes after the deed is done, and then think that every little thing that happens to your body over the next few weeks means your pregnant......but then you see that little color of pink and your hopes are dashed for another month.

Anyway, Bryce and I started trying for a few months. When I saw my doctor in December, he said, "you should be able to get pregnant within 3 months of trying. if you can't, come see me and I will help you." In July, we decided it was time for some other help. I started Chlomid in July and was on it for three months. Again, the doctor said, "if you cant' get pregnant on Chlomid in three months, it won't help and you will have to do something else."

With family in town during July, hotel stays booked with other family in September, and nights in relatives houses in August, we had a hard, yet creative time "trying" during that special week of the month!

The first of October, Bryce and I went back to the University of Utah Reproduction Medicine. There we met Dr. Erica Johnstone. She went over all of our information and told us about our 3 embryos that were still frozen. She told us that 2 of them were pretty good and one was kind of weak. We talked about the fresh cycle vs. the frozen (cryo) cyle. The % drops to 30 on a frozen cycle. We walked out the office feeling good and ready to start the 10 week process.

As soon as my next cycle started, the first step was to start birth control pills. I just finished a 3 week dosage of those on Saturday. I started the Lupron injections a week and a half ago and they seem to be going fine. Lupron makes you so you don't produce any eggs. I have only had one night of "night sweats" where I woke up completely drenched, but for the most part have been fine.

Right now and constantly, all I can think about is this invetro. I have thought alot about faith and hope and how they go together. Here is the answer I have come up with: I have hope that this process will work for us. Yet, I want to have the faith to trust Heavenly Father's plan for us, regardless of what happens. Honestly my thoughts drive me crazy most of the time. I assume that it will work, because it did the first time. But then I think, 'what if it doesn't work'. And I don't even want to go there. So, my thoughts are all over the place. I try not to focus on it too much, otherwise, it makes me emotional. I am trying to keep my thoughts and emotions on the surface, but it is going to become harder, especially with all the drugs that are going into my body in the near future. I start estrogen pills in 2 days and then progestrone injections in 2 weeks. Although it is difficult at times, I know that this is what I need to be doing right now.

I also feel like I am alone in this process right now. Bryce is not part of this at all. He will go with me to the ultrasound, but thats about it. I have so many emotions, thoughts, and feelings about it, but I feel like there is no one that understands. It just feels frustrating at times. Oh well. Life is good and soon this will all be over. I am so thankful for medical advancements and technology that give us this opportunity to even try to get pregnant. Its a wonderful process and can create wonderful results!