Journal Entry August 19, 2012


Last December (2011), Bryce and I tried to use our frozen embryos and do invitro again. I knew our chances of getting pregnant were not that great using frozen embryos, but I still had hope that it would work. It worked the first time, so why wouldn’t it work the second time.

Well, supposedly I was pregnant for a very short period of time. I had to keep doing blood work and watch as my HCG numbers got lower and lower. I had a really difficult time for about two weeks after. It was probably some of the hardest days of my life.

That happened eight months ago, and I am still suffering emotionally and spiritually because of the events of that time period. Let’s just say that it pretty much rocked my world…and left me trying to pick up the pieces and make sense of it all. I have spent lots of time thinking and pondering within my mind and soul as to why things happen….

We are taught to have faith, pray, and fast in this life. And I have contemplated whether those things affect the outcome of what happens in our life. I know that it affects us individually. I know it strengthens us in time of trials. I know that it helps us grow closer to our Savior and our Father in Heaven. But, I still don’t know if it helps with the actual outcome of a situation. So, my mind has been full of turmoil the last few months as I try to figure things out.

I feel like I have been naïve all these years to think that my faith or my prayers have any sort of “pull” on the outcome of these situations. I continue to pray and continue to have faith….that will not change. I received a priesthood blessing from my dear husband. It was a comforting blessing. I got the feeling that I was doing what I was supposed to be doing and that Heavenly Fathers’ plan for me would fall into place as I continued to serve others and do those things that were right.

I have also talked to some family members and I have searched the scriptures to try to learn more about faith. Here is a question I came up with: “Do we have faith that a miracle might occur or a situation might change, or do we have faith only in Jesus Christ, that he might heal us and give us peace in time of need?” Another thing that I noticed: It seems like many times when faith is mentioned, that patience is in the same verse.

I have been praying to my Father in Heaven that he might help me understand a little better the things that I am searching and pondering right now. I have asked that I might receive some sort of message from Him, so that I can be at rest.

I knew that our Stake Conference was coming up and I also knew that we would be missing the adult session due to an Alpine Campout, but I really felt like I needed to be there because I needed some direction and inspiration in my life. Well, it just so happened that many of the Alpine employees backed out the day before and so they cancelled the campout.

A member of the Twelve Apostles, Richard G. Scott, was going to be speaking at our conference. I asked Heavenly Father to please prepare a message for me during that conference. After listening to the first three wonderful speakers, I still had not received “my message”.

My message came from the very next speaker, Elder Summerhays, who is a member of the Area 70. He talked about how the “sons of Helaman” or the stripling warriors had great faith because their mothers had taught them to have faith. But, then he talked about how even those young men who were very faithful and courageous, were getting discouraged because things were not going right and they were having some trials. He talked about how even those amazing men needed some “assurances”.

Alma 58:11 “Yea, and it came to pass that the Lord our God did visit us with assurances that he would deliver us; yea, 1. Insomuch that he did speak peace to our souls, 2. And he did grant unto us great faith, 3. And did cause us that we should hope for our deliverance in him”

Elder Summerhays went on to say this; “I feel like I need to say this to some of you…I feel like some of you need assurances tonight…you are a good girl….you are a good boy…you are doing everything you need to be doing….everything will work out for you. Inspite of the winds blowing and rains coming down, you are good enough…take courage, feel the assurance that you are doing all that you can do.”

And then he shared Proverbs 3:5-6: “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths”

Never before has this scripture had so much meaning to me. First, I need to trust in the Lord….not just sometimes and not in just some things, but with all my heart….completely trust him…..I do trust in my Lord and I know that he is all knowing and has a perfect plan with each of us. I also know that his timing is perfect. Second, and more importantly to me, I need to realize that I do not and will never understand everything…sometimes our ways are not the ways of the Lord. I cannot lean on my own understandings. The Lord has great things prepared for me, including my successes and my trials. Third, I need to always remember to acknowledge his Hand in everything I have…to give thanks and show gratitude to Him often. AND IF I DO THESE THINGS, He will direct my paths….And as long as He is directing my paths, it doesn’t matter what happens on those paths, because I will be fine and everything will be OK.

Elder Summerhays ended with two quotes from President Hinckley and President Monson. I actually saw the quote from President Hinckley about 3 days ago on Facebook and it caught my eye then and now I feel it is even more “special and meant for me” because I heard it again last night:

“In my ninety plus years, I have learned a secret. I have learned that when good men and good women face challenges with optimism, things will always work out! Truly, things always work out! Despite how difficult circumstances may look at the moment, those who have faith and move forward with a happy spirit will find that things always work out.”

I love this quote. It is so true. Rarely things work out just how we plan them to or want them to. But, if we have a good attitude and have faith, then things will work out. And when we are down the road looking back at these times of trial or hardship, we will know and realize that things worked out exactly how they were supposed to….and if we didn’t have the optimism or faith during those times, how much more difficult it would be to get off the ground and climb over those hills!

I am so thankful to a loving Heavenly Father, who answered my prayer and plea personally last night at stake conference. It was no coincidence that our campout got cancelled. I needed to be there last night to receive my answer and to have the Spirit touch my heart and let me know that Heavenly Father cares about me. Though, I do not have everything figured out, I have learned a lot in the past 24 hours. I am going to go forward with faith in my Heavenly Father. I am thankful for a Savior who willingly answered the call to suffer in Gethsemane for me so that he can succor me in my time of need. He knows what I am feeling and He is there for me.

I will continue to pray, have faith, and fast throughout my life. I know that I need to be doing these things. PERIOD. It doesn’t matter if they do or do not have an impact on the outcome of a specific situation. I need to be doing them. I do not understand everything. I do not have all the answers and 99% of the time, I don’t know why things happen the way they do, but I will keep plugging along and continue to learn as I go.