Thanksgiving

This year for Thanksgiving, we rolled out a huge peice of paper on our kitchen table. We taped all the sides and then wrote "I am Thankful For..." on the top. It was alot of fun to sit down with the kids and write or draw pictures of the things we were thankful for. We just left it there for a few days and it continued to fill up. It was a nice way to give thanks and remember our many blessings.

On Thanksgiving morning, I was awaken at 2 am by Clayton crying in his room. I stumbled through the dark half asleep when I realized he had croup, yet again. This is the 7th time this year. We took our familiar drive to the Wee Pediatric where they administered a steroid shot, and we were back in our beds in less than 45 minutes! The good news is that we are getting quicker and quicker. Clayton slept well the rest of the night. On Thanksgiving Day, he wasnt' the most pleasant fellow to be around. The meds make him tired and emotional.

On Thanksgiving morning, Cooper and I went and participated in the stake 5k. Cooper rode his bike next to me while I ran. It was alot of fun and a nice way to spend some time with Cooper. He also had a great time and thanked me for inviting him on our way home. As I was running, it reminded me of when I was a young girl and I would go up to Texas A&M campus and run the Turkey Trot with my dad every Thanksgiving. Those were good times! It was nice to run in the morning so I could eat whatever I wanted throughout the day. I definately want to do it again next year.After the run, we headed up to Steph's house for the day. It was great to spend another Thanksgiving with family and especially Grandma and Grandpa Cooper. I won't get many more holidays with them, so it is always great to be in their presence. Steph and Grandma made the turkeys and the food was great, as always.
Kylee, my neice, is studying to be a massage specialist. She gave me a nice massage after lunch and it felt great. The kids had a great time playing with each other. Clayton was ornery and tired because of his croup. Later that evening, we continued to eat and watch the Texas vs. Texas A&M football game. The Aggies lost by one point in the last few seconds. What a frustrating game!We had a great Thanksgiving holiday this year. We didn't do the Black Friday shopping, which was kind of nice. On Friday, I went to CrossFit with Paul. It was nice to workout after all that food. Bryce took Cooper to the movie,"Dolphin Tale". After that, we spent part of the night with the Douglas' eating turkey sandwiches and playing card games. Later that evening, we put Clayton to bed and sat in the hot tub with Cooper. The next day, we headed back home so we could get our Christmas lights up on the house.

Preparations

In late August, I decided that I better start "preparing" to get pregnant. I wanted to get my body back in shape and lose some weight before I hopefully got pregnant. I talked to my friend, Mandy, and she helped me lose 15 pounds. I am now working out 3-5 times a week and trying to eat a little better. I feel healthier and stronger.

I also went to my cranio sacral therapist two days ago to get my energy flowing correctly again and to make sure every thing is aligned. I love cranio therapy. I only need it about every four months but it really helps with my headaches. I also know that cranio therapy is helpful when trying to get pregnant. It was a really good session and there were many "future emotions" that were tangled up in my body tissues. We worked those out,but there was one emotion that she said was stuck. She felt like the emotion that I was having a hard time letting go of, was a feeling of helplessness. I talked to her for a second about my thoughts. Right now, I feel helpless. In the end, I can only prepare and do so much, and then it is up to the will of the Lord. So, in a way, I feel helpless. Anyway, this all might sound weird to someone who has never had cranio sacral therapy, but it is actually really neat work.

Last night, Bryce and I were able to attend the temple in Bountiful. It's always nice to go into the temple and feel the peace that resides there. I was able to put some names, along with ours on the prayer roll. I hope that through the faith of others, along with ours, our family, and our friends, we will receive help in this process.

I have also been trying to stay away from caffeine. I really love Dr. Pepper, and it is definately a weakness of mine. I will have a small glass or a sip now and then, but I have decided that the week before the transfer, I want to stay away from caffeine.

As far as the invetro goes, I have been on Lupron shots for 2 1/2 weeks now. Today I start taking 3 estrogen pills a day. I will continue this until next Wednesday. I have an ultrasound on Tuesday to make sure there are no cysts and also to make sure the lining of my uterus is thick and ready to receive the embryos.

There are so many things to think about when trying to prepare one's body to get pregnant, especially with the invetro process. I am two weeks away from transfer and I hope that I am ready, both phyisically and emotionally. This is something that never leaves my mind. Thanksgiving is tomorrow and Christmas is right around the corner. Its such a fun and busy time of year, but I am having a hard time focusing on other things right now. So, part of me wishes the invetro process would be here and gone, but then I don't want to wish my most favorite time of year away either. It just seems like the anxiety, worry, hoping, and wishing just builds up as it gets closer.

I just went upstairs to take my morning meds which consists of an estrogen pill and a Lupron shot. Cooper's friend is here and he saw me with the shot. He said, "You have to give yourself a shot? Doesn't it hurt?" Cooper says, "Yes it does hurt." Jaxson says, "Then, why would do it?" Cooper says, "Because my mom really wants to have a baby." I guess that says it all!

Bring Me Back

November is National Adoption Month and so I thought I would share a few thoughts about adoption. I have been blessed to have two beautiful boys, one from adoption, one from pregnancy. I have often thought about the two experiences. They were both completely different, but equally amazing. Looking back, I would not choose one way over the other. They each have their positives and negatives, and I can say that I definitely felt the Hand of the Lord in the adoption and the natural birth. Both were very spiritual experiences and I am so thankful that I have had both these opportunities.

I am so thankful for such wonderful birth parents. They are such great people and they have shown us so much love. As I have gotten to know them over the past 6 years, along with their families, I have grown to love them as if they were my own siblings and family members. I am thankful to a birth mom, that to do this day, still supports us and stands by her decision to place Cooper with our family. Though she has rightfully chosen to step back and create some distance between her and Cooper, I still receive very touching and meaningful texts, emails, and notes from her. This has meant the world to me. She is married now to a wonderful man and she seems to be very happy. I will forever be grateful to her for that choice she made on that beautiful night of April 14, 2005.

I often look through my pictures, letters, and scrapbook from that night, and I tear up every time. It brings me back to that night. I think about the nerves, the tears, the smiles, the heartache, the joy, the pain, the look in others eyes, and most of all, the unconditional love that was felt in that room for Cooper. I will always treasure my pictures and letters from that day. They bring me back!

I am so thankful for a birth father who is loving, and kind, and supportive. I have witnessed the tenderness and love that is in this man. He has such a big heart and I see that is Cooper as well. I am grateful for a man that stood by the side of Coopers birth mom through her pregnancy and together, they made the difficult decision to place Cooper with us. Not very many men stay in this situation, but he did and that says alot about him. I was told by my caseworker, that this was really rare, so I knew he must be amazing. I will always have a special place in my heart for him.

I am indeed grateful for the birth families. I have had the opportunity to build great and lasting relationships with these wonderful people that I call family. They have really took us in and treated us so kindly these past 6 years and I will forever be thankful to each of them. We have been very blessed by adoption. It has touched our lives forever!

The Struggle, the Pain, the Hope

Last December, Bryce and I started thinking about having another child. We didn't prevent from December to about April. I really thought that we might actually get pregnant. I have heard so many times that women who finally get pregnant after years of infertility, might have a better chance of getting pregnant again, because the body knows what it feels like. I was really hopeful and excited, but it never happened. Month after month went by, and nothing. Oh well, so we decided to start "trying".

Now, as I have said before, I don't like trying. I don't know if its because its already a very emotional thing to have infertility, and then to have to do temperatures, "have to" have relations every other day, take ovulation tests, stand on your head for a few minutes after the deed is done, and then think that every little thing that happens to your body over the next few weeks means your pregnant......but then you see that little color of pink and your hopes are dashed for another month.

Anyway, Bryce and I started trying for a few months. When I saw my doctor in December, he said, "you should be able to get pregnant within 3 months of trying. if you can't, come see me and I will help you." In July, we decided it was time for some other help. I started Chlomid in July and was on it for three months. Again, the doctor said, "if you cant' get pregnant on Chlomid in three months, it won't help and you will have to do something else."

With family in town during July, hotel stays booked with other family in September, and nights in relatives houses in August, we had a hard, yet creative time "trying" during that special week of the month!

The first of October, Bryce and I went back to the University of Utah Reproduction Medicine. There we met Dr. Erica Johnstone. She went over all of our information and told us about our 3 embryos that were still frozen. She told us that 2 of them were pretty good and one was kind of weak. We talked about the fresh cycle vs. the frozen (cryo) cyle. The % drops to 30 on a frozen cycle. We walked out the office feeling good and ready to start the 10 week process.

As soon as my next cycle started, the first step was to start birth control pills. I just finished a 3 week dosage of those on Saturday. I started the Lupron injections a week and a half ago and they seem to be going fine. Lupron makes you so you don't produce any eggs. I have only had one night of "night sweats" where I woke up completely drenched, but for the most part have been fine.

Right now and constantly, all I can think about is this invetro. I have thought alot about faith and hope and how they go together. Here is the answer I have come up with: I have hope that this process will work for us. Yet, I want to have the faith to trust Heavenly Father's plan for us, regardless of what happens. Honestly my thoughts drive me crazy most of the time. I assume that it will work, because it did the first time. But then I think, 'what if it doesn't work'. And I don't even want to go there. So, my thoughts are all over the place. I try not to focus on it too much, otherwise, it makes me emotional. I am trying to keep my thoughts and emotions on the surface, but it is going to become harder, especially with all the drugs that are going into my body in the near future. I start estrogen pills in 2 days and then progestrone injections in 2 weeks. Although it is difficult at times, I know that this is what I need to be doing right now.

I also feel like I am alone in this process right now. Bryce is not part of this at all. He will go with me to the ultrasound, but thats about it. I have so many emotions, thoughts, and feelings about it, but I feel like there is no one that understands. It just feels frustrating at times. Oh well. Life is good and soon this will all be over. I am so thankful for medical advancements and technology that give us this opportunity to even try to get pregnant. Its a wonderful process and can create wonderful results!

Happy Birthday, Jocelynn

On November 6th, my sister, Jocelynn, celebrated her 40th Birthday. To help her celebrate, Steph and I helped Kyle plan a surprise birthday party for her. It was alot of fun. We had it out at the Paradise Town offices. Many friends came and we at pizza, breadsticks, and yummy dips. We ended up playing couples bunko and that was a blast. Jocelynn was very surprised and it seemed like she had a great time! Happy 40th! So blessed to have you as a sister and a friend!

Halloween

This year we missed the ward Halloween Parade because we had Bryce's work party. On Halloween night, we went over to Jacqui and Jared's for trick-o-treating and taco soup. The boys had a blast this year. I didn't think that Clayton would like to dress up, but he was Ok with it.
When he realized that he was getting candy from every house, it started becoming very exciting for him. He loves candy. I know most kids love candy, but he LOVES candy. In fact, he would go up to every door, say trick or treat, thank you, and then run down the side walk saying, "candy, candy, candy."

Cooper really caught the "vision" of trick or treating this year. He and Jaxson wanted to keep going and going. They ran from house to house and got so much candy. Cooper doesn't really care for candy that much, so he still has a bag full sitting in his closet. They had a great time and it was so much fun to watch them be excited and it always brings back memories from when I was a kid! Happy Halloween.